Present Imperfect

Talk Like a Vampire | August 15, 2004

I saw these in Barnes & Noble today, but I only went in there to use the facilities. I hate that place. I used to work there many long years ago, and they didn't give me health insurance even when I worked 40 hours a week behind the stupid cash register. But I digress...

These SAT vocabulary novels fascinate me. All the vocabulary words are bolded throughout, and they have a small selection of books in the romance (for your teen queens), crime thriller (for your budding psychologists), dark fairy tale (for your goth kids) and coming-of-age (for your slightly more bookish teen queens) genres. But let the publishers explain it themselves: "SparkNotes' SAT Vocabulary novels are compelling, full-length novels with edgy and mature themes that will appeal to teens. Each book showcases more than 1,000 vocabulary words frequently included on the SAT. Brief definitions appear on the same page so that readers can quickly access and digest the meanings as they read along."

Neat! "Edgy" and "mature" themes! Vampires! Surfers! Freshman criminology majors going undercover to bust drug rings! (What the crap? What college lets that happen?)

Bitter sarcasm aside (but only for a few moments or the very fabric of my existence may start to unravel), I honestly think this is a brilliant idea. For kids who are only marginally inclined to read, it may put these words in a more meaningful context beyond a list they must memorize and promptly forget once they put down their No. 2 pencils.

Of course, the likelihood that these books suck is high. It's the limitation of the word list. I mean, would a British vampire "sampling the nightlife in Manhattan" really use the same 1,000 vocabulary words as a junior in high school with a crush on her tutor? Why would she need a tutor if that were the case? And then there's this (from "Busted")

Even though he was rough around the edges, I thought he was totally hot. His green eyes were intense, and I've always liked the bad-boy type. Or, more accurately, the guys that looked like bad boys but underneath were simply misunderstood tortured-artist types just waiting for someone who really gets them. You know, like James Dean or Pacey Witter or Angel.

which contains a grand total of zero SAT vocabulary words and the phrase "totally hot."

I think someone's missing a lucrative opportunity with SAT-vocab porn magazines, SAT-vocab "Grand Theft Auto," SAT-vocab "Survivor" and SAT-vocab hip-hop.

Think outside the box, people.