Present Imperfect

The View from the Handbasket

November 03, 2004

Today calls to mind a "What Do You Think?" response printed in The Onion after the 2002 election. It goes a little something like this:

"They say the people get the government they deserve, but I don't recall knife-raping any retarded nuns."

But seriously, folks, I have a message to all the red-state Security Moms out there (if they do, in fact, exist and are not just another ridiculous demographic myth):

You voted for George Bush because you thought he would keep you safe. Fair enough. I get that. I understand that it feels scary to change leaders in the midst of so much strife (even if you believe, as I do, that said leader was the cause of much of the strife in the first place). I understand that you have children and that alone can radically alter your view of the world as it compares to mine.

But let me ask you one thing: What exactly do you have to worry about?! Who's going to bomb your Wal-Mart or barrel a flammable semi through your quaint covered bridge? You either live in the middle of nowhere or at the end of a cul-de-sac in a subdivision just far enough outside of a city that you don't have to deal with the riffraff every day. I don't. l live in a big city. I'm the one who's going to be running for cover when the Bay Bridge or the Transamerica Pyramid comes tumbling down. I'm the one who's going to be trapped in a collapsed BART tunnel for three days. I'm the one who has to worry. Me and my friends in Los Angeles, New York and Chicago, three more cities whose population overwhelmingly voted for Kerry. Yup, that's right: The people most likely to be injured or killed in the next terrorist attack trusted Kerry to protect them. Why the hell couldn't you?

Maybe I'm misinterpreting your fears here. Maybe you're not afraid of terrorists attacking your town as much as you're afraid of gays attacking your marriage. My, that is scary!

And how about those taxes?! It's equally frightening to imagine your hard-earned money going to fund programs to help people less fortunate than yourself. Why, "altruism" and "terrorism" even sound a lot alike, don't they?

Oh! I know! It must be that you're afraid of all those scary people who don't believe in Jesus. But I wouldn't worry about them too much. They're all going to hell. And because you voted for George Bush, they'll all get there a lot faster.