Present Imperfect

Feedback's Bad

May 16, 2005

First of all, let me offer this word of advice: Never eBay drunk. Sometimes you come out okay, maybe even with a nice messenger bag or a first edition of a British literary mystery that nobody but you read. But sometimes, you just get tooled.

See, I bought this denim jacket on eBay about three weeks ago. I was three-quarters of a bottle of vin rouge into my eighty-seventh viewing of Buffy season six and decided I really needed this stupid puffy-sleeved number because it sort of resembled the one Dark Willow wears when... Okay, um, never mind. I know everybody loves a geeky lush with a Joss Whedon fetish and an online shopping habit, but I just came dangerously close to blogging about how I teared up a little when I saw the Serenity trailer.

Oops...shit.

Anyway, when this theoretically awesome jacket had not arrived after a week, I emailed the seller to ask when the crap she was going to send it. Naturally, I made sure the email was unassuming and brief, carefully crafting it to mimic the conversational style one might employ at a cocktail party: “Ha HA! How very droll. And when will you send this jacket? Just curious.”

This is what I got in reply:

Hi I was just going to email this evening because I need to apologize for the delay in shipping out your item. Our Son [sic; unless he is, in fact, the Messiah.* In which case...my bad!] had an asthma attack and I spent the last week mainly at the hospital. Everything was sort of put on the back burner and I’m sorry that I didn’t get it out sooner. Everything has now settled down and my Son is home and doing well. I did send it out to you a few days ago and you should have it shortly. Please accept my sincere apology. Thank you, TotallyTMI (screename changed to make this slightly funnier)

Okay, that’s cool. Life happens. I wrote a once-sentence email back saying it was no biggie, that I have asthma, too, and that it must suck for her kid. Which prompted this:

Thanks so much, you obviously understand what it’s like. My Son is 11 and has been hospitalized twice in his life due to this. It’s so strange because 99% of the time, he doesn’t even need his puffer, it’s like he doesn’t even have it. Then both times, last time being 2 years ago, it comes out of nowhere without warning and we’re rushing him to the hospital. The stay has been over a week each time,not allowing him to leave until his lung air capacity has built up enough. My only hope is that the doctors are right and he will outgrow it. I really do appreciate your patience and understanding. Sincerely, OMGWTMFI

But here’s the bestest part: The jacket arrived Thursday, and it reeks of smoke.

Ridiculously, I emailed the seller to say as much whilst ever-so subtly inquiring how the fuck someone whose son has been hospitalized twice for asthma attacks could possibly smoke in the house, much less send out their smoke-ass smelling shit to people who pay for it. Way-too-long story a bit shorter: I got $15 back to pay for the cleaning. How magnanimous! I’m still reporting them to social services.

Two completely unrelated items:
1. Read Kazuo Ishiguro’s latest novel Never Let Me Go immediately. It should have been called Never Put Me Down.
2. Give this a try and see if you wind up with a feeling of satisfaction rapidly followed by the disappointing sensation that you are nothing more than The Man’s bitch.

*Okay, normally, I don’t like to go all footnotey on your asses, but recently I wondered aloud if all the dead left behind after the Rapture would be zombies. Because, hey! Awesome movie idea!

Thank You! I'm Here All Week!

May 05, 2005

Hello, everybody! Isn't it a glorious day full of magic and delight? No? I didn't think so either. Kinda cloudy.

In the absence of having anything "real" or "insightful" to say, I thought I'd take a friend's advice and share with you my imaginary tour rider. For when I am famous. For sporadic blogging. It will be the most excellent show you have ever seen. There will be much sitting around and procrastinating with the occasional burst of banal observation. You will beg for more. There will be merchandise. And my tee shirts will fit everyone.

Anyway, here goes. Feel free to play along.

• 12 bottles of Fiji water
• 4 bags of fresh cheese curds (from Wisconsin ONLY)
• 6 UglyRipe tomatoes (NOT generic hothouse)
• Sea salt in self-grinding vessel
• Taylor's of Harrogate Lapsang Souchong or Earl Grey tea (NOT Twinings! Violators will be punished!)
• 1 of those bouncy things with a handle on it. You know, for bouncing on. You know the ones.
• 1 unopened copy of Labyrinth on DVD
• 3 pounds of butter
• 1 Hello Kitty waffle maker
• 3 bags of Kraft caramels
• 1 box of cocktail-ornament plastic monkeys (multicolored)
• 48 bottles of beer on the wall (heady ales; NOT lager)
• 48 bottles of beer
• Take one down
• Pass it around
• 47 bottles of beer on the wall
• 12 packs of Pixie Stix (with all lime-flavored Stix REMOVED)
• 12 hard-boiled eggs
• 2 packages of PAAS egg dye
• 1 64-count box of Crayola crayons (with Periwinkle crayon REMOVED)
• 3 boxes Barbara's Puffins (peanut butter flavor ONLY)
• Gauze. Lots of it.
• 1 Ziplock bag of freshly roasted pumpkin seeds
• 1 hollowed-out pumpkin
• 3 serrated knives of various lengths
• 6 bags of Synder's of Hanover Butter Snaps pretzels
• 1 certified reflexologist (WITH sense of humor)