Present Imperfect

This entry x where it should have y. | January 23, 2007

I hereby plead guilty to Yelp abuse. I heed many a Yelp, but I do not Yelp back, and that makes me a very, very bad person. I have recently taken steps to correct this, and I shall soon begin Yelping all the places I have been to and enjoyed in the greater San Francisco and Los Angeles areas. But until then, I'm brushing up on my review skills.

The more observant among you may have noticed that I have a section on this site dedicated to books I am reading, but that this section does not actually contain book reviews. This is because I believe that no one gives a crap what I have to say about books. If I were a world-renowned personality with whom you could identify because of my wildly disheveled hair, my penchant for wearing bolo ties and unflattering eyewear, and my widely publicized opinions concerning arts and letters, then sure, I’d throw in a book review or two. Since I am not such a personality (bolo ties make my neck look fat), I am satisfied to risk copyright infringement by posting book excerpts.¹

Also, I’m lazy and don’t want to add book reviews to my list of things I’m not going to do anytime soon.

This decision, though infinitely wise, has caused my review skills to atrophy somewhat. I am therefore developing a series of formulas to help me. Feel free to use them where applicable.

Restaurant Review
The n was x but lacked y.
Where n = a menu item, x = a non-committal yet positive adjective, and y = a hyperbolic word or phrase not generally used to describe food.
i.e., “The pork loin was flavorful but lacked gravitas”

or, for the more advanced reviewer:

What the a lacked in x, the b made up for in y.
Where a = a menu item, x = a defining characteristic of fast cars, b = a menu item, and y = a word or phrase generally used by Victorian novelists to describe a young woman.
i.e., “What the the vichyssoise lacked in punch, the crème brûlée made up for in delicacy.”

Music Review
n. That’s what the new x album calls to mind.
Where n = evocative nonsense and x = a band name.
i.e., “Tipping cows in the rain. That’s what the new Limozeen album calls to mind.”

Boutique Clothing Store Review
The selection was x! But y, those sales clerks were z.
Where x = an overly enthusiastic positive adjective, y = an overused slang expression, and z = an insult ranging from the somewhat rude to the extremely vulgar.
i.e., “The selection was fabulous! But OMG, those sales clerks were j***-g***ling c***faces.”²

¹This presents me with an opportunity to plead with any authors whose work I may have excerpted on this website. Kindly do not sue me. I’m only trying to introduce your fine works to my tiny readership. That and collect enough Amazon affiliate commission money to buy a new TV.

²While I had intended a specific set of letters to be substituted for these asterisks, it has been brought to my attention that there are a few possible interpretations, all equally offensive.